HEAD: TRUMP PROUDLY INTRODUCES NEW EXECUTIVE ORDER ON ANIMAL CLOTHING
By The Editor, Ross McGee
The Stankenrose Gazette
Donald J. Trump., also known as President Donald J. Trump, or President Trump, or POTUS, or “YOUR MOST EXCELLENT HIGHLY RATED LEADER” today announced in an EXECUTIVE ORDER that, as of midnight March 27, “all Mammals will be required to wear clothes that are at least 99% opaque, and entirely and securely cover the entire genital and anal areas, as well as any milk producing organs they may possess.”
“It’s just not right that these dangerous, bloodthirsty creatures like bears weasels, and raccoons, be allowed to wander our streets absolutely naked,” Mr. Trump marveled. “Even I can’t do that! And I’m the president of the United States of America! Terrible. Terrible. Not gonna happen on my watch.”
Details were vague in this bold, yet bewildering policy, especially on the funding for such a massive program. Sources within the GOP estimate $3.4 Trillion to clothe the entire mammalian class, excluding humanity (most of whom usually wear clothes with little coercion, except in Florida and California.) These figures are based on an assumption that all animals are brought up to Trump’s family standard. Expect this to be a bargaining position, as Trump did say “That sounds fair.”)
“It’s simple. They’re going to look great. They’re going to pay for their own clothes. They just don’t know it yet.”
GOP mouthpieces declined to comment, “being the sissies they are, I’m not surprised,” Trump boasts.
Personally I tried repeatedly to get official comment from the GOP. They didn’t hang up on me, but I fear what I was hearing was the uncontrolled laughter typical of a full psychotic break. This cannot be confirmed or denied, but you may contact the GOP yourself at this number and, well tell ME what you hear.
I sought comments from the Mammalian class. I was able to ascertain this chilling comment from an adult brown bear currently housed in the San Antonio Zoo:
Congress is split on this, as expected. But this factoid did nothing to quell Mr. Trumps enthusiasm. “My sources tell me that My supporters far, far, I mean, really big really really big amounts I assure you, support this Class Pride thing. Trust me, actually I believe it’s far more than 110% on board. Maybe 60, 80, I’d even go 200%. But that’s just me. Who am I to know such things?”
In closing, President Trump pandered for applause, as usual. “If I say it, then its true, right? Didn’t I do a great job on this executive order? I did, right? I knocked right out of the park. NAILED IT, DONALD!”
Shawn Spicer and Steve Bannon clapped violently and glared, daring the press corps to NOT clap. A smattering of applause was finally heard largely from those within striking distance of Trump’s enforcers Bannon, Conway, Priebus, Spicer and Kushner.
Trump took a few questions:
NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC: Does this include birds?
TRUMP: Do you have an ear problem?
NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC: No.
TRUMP: Did I stutter?
NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC: No?
TRUMP: (He looks panicked)
NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC: About the birds, do you…
TRUMP: Are the animals you print in your magazine real? I think they are just FAKE! Completely made up animals.
NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC: You have been misinformed, sir.
TRUMP: Oh really? I have the best information in the world. I have hundreds of professionals feeding me information, and your taxes pay their salaries!
SPICER: People! People! Give the poor man a chance to be heard.
TRUMP: Look, I meant what I said. And, of course, being that birds are mammals as we all know, they will have to be clothed. I can’t go softball on this. Too important!
EDITOR’S NOTE: Aside from the fact that birds are NOT mammals (they have no mammary glands,) there is no known distributor in THE WORLD that makes thousand dollar shoes – or suits, for that matter — in a size birds could wear, so I fear there will be technical glitches in implementation of this policy. The Stankenrose Gazette is investigating.
TRUMP: One more.
(He begins to use his now infamous, dainty little hands to indicate the next interrogators.)
TRUMP: Not not! You’re fake news. Not you. No. No. Not you. You sit down. You sit down. Down. No comment for the fake news, only the ones that like me. YOU.
BRIETBART NEWS REPORTER: What is your favorite animal?
TRUMP: That’s an excellent question. I’m not a big fan, you know. They are big, messy, stink to high heaven, rarely bathe, except for the Hippos, but….don’t get me started on those. Disgusting! Which is why I…. I think I’d have to say, just right off the top my head that I like an animal that almost everybody likes I believe but nowhere nearly as much as me and that’s a caaaaaaaauahhhh…
There were gasps of indignation throughout the room.
ROOM ERUPTS IN PROTEST
GAGGLE OF REPORTERS: “Discrimination! How dare you!”
TRUMP: OK, fine. We’ll do it your way. See folks? Isn’t it great the way democracy works? Only me, President Donald J. Trump has the courage to go after these these BEASTS! Only I can fix this!
TRUMP: Naww, on second thought. I don’t like the attitude of all these fake journalists. I’m just going to do it my way. I can do that, right? I should do that!
Kind of stupid for a dog to wear clothes, am I right?
So Dogs are off the list. Period.
Cats? We’ll talk about it.”
JOURNALIST’S NOTE: It looked like a good old fashioned brawl was about to occur. As I’m a pacifist, I ran to the nearest good WIFI spot to file the historical balderdash you have just read.
My stomach still feels a bit queasy.
I probably don’t need to say this,
if anybody doesn’t recognize satire when they see it,
you have just seen it.
I made the whole thing up.