NEWS RELEASE:
Publishers Note: This is a work of satire.
The situations, and the people discussed, are real, but this publication has no evidence that this meeting ever occurred.
We are publishing this because it’s really funny, and G. O. Fart threatened to quit and go work for The Onion if we didn’t publish it “ver bait them.”
HEADLINE: THE LATEST G. O. Fart secret interview with POTUS: PLAN TO HANDLE N. KOREA. DELIVERED ON A SILVER PLATTER
By Garrulous O. Fart, Reporter. The Stanken Rose Gazette, Stanken Rose, Texas.
DATELINE: PALM BEACH, FLORIDA. April 30, 2017
Writers Note: I got a late night call by President Donald J. Trump to meet him at an undisclosed location for a drink. I dragged myself out of bed and got there quick. The bar was empty, except for the President’s security detail and The President. As he saw me walk in, he flamboyantly raised his hand to look at his watch, and killed his Scotch Rocks.
PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP (POTUS): Jeez, you old Fart, what took you so long?
Garrulous O. Fart, Reporter (GOF) I got here it 13 minutes.
POTUS: Well, as the most powerful person on planet Earth, I’m a pretty busy guy.
GOF: True, true.
POTUS: You probably killed at least a thousand babies by taking so long.
GOF: Yeah, well not as many as you’re going be killing with this anti-abortion thing.
POTUS: Ooooh, he’s in a surly mood tonight!
GOF: So, you buying?
POTUS: Well, the first round, I guess. What’ll it be?
GOF: (to the bartender) I’m with HIM.
POTUS: Cute!
GOF: . Just bring me what he’s having.
Writer’s NOTE: Bartender looks at POTUS for an ok.
POTUS: Jeez, Fart. This is 50-year-old scotch. I don’t know if I should waste that kind of money on a worthless old has been like you.
GOF: Make that a double.
WRITER’S NOTE: POTUS Laughs.
GOF: What’s on your mind, Mr. President.
POTUS: Mr.? No, no, no… SIR?
GOF: That’s the customary way to address presidents, the last time I heard.
POTUS: I just don’t like it. It’s sort of….I don’t know…lame. I’m going to change that next week. Watch this!
(POTUS presses a button on his iphone and says “OK Google. Take A Memo.” The voice answers “Yes Your Majesty the supreme leader of the United States of America.”)
POTUS: Take a memo.”
GOOGLE VOICE: Yes, Your majesty. What would you like to say?
POTUS: New Executive Order for Monday: Change the customary method of addressing the president to Your Highness. Or Your Majesty. Something more grand.
GOOGLE VOICE: Yes Your Majesty The Supreme Leader Of The United States Of America.
POTUS: Thank you.
GOOGLE VOICE: You are so welcome, Sir.
POTUS: And say hello to Mr. Fart.
GOOGLE VOICE: Hello, Mr. Fart.
POTUS: OK, now go away.
GOOGLE VOICE. I have assembled a list of websites for your next vacation. Would like to go online and…
POTUS: Stop.
GOOGLE VOICE: Would you like the definition of the word stop?
POTUS: Can you just shut up now and leave me alone so I can have a drink with this asshole?
GOOGLE VOICE: You don’t have to be rude, sir. Just tell me what…
WRITERS NOTE: At this point I grab his phone, find Siri, and put her to sleep.
POTUS: How did you do that?
GOF: I’d tell you but I’d have to charge you a consulting fee.
POTUS: Ha ha ha. You’re a funny guy.
WRITERS NOTE: At this point TRUMP turns red in the face and nods at one of his security detail, who walks over immediately.
SECURITY DETAIL: Yes, Sir?
POTUS: Shoot this guy, if he doesn’t tell me how to get that bitch Siri to stop talking when I say so.
SECURITY DETAIL: Yes, Sir.
WRITERS NOTE: Security Detail takes out his Glock 9 and places the barrel to my forehead.
I just stare at him.
GOF: Go ahead, asshole.
POTUS: (motions him away.) Just joking, Fart! Jesus, can’t you take a joke?
GOF: You’re a funny guy.
POTUS: I am, I am! This power thing is such a trip! Look at these guys watching my every move, ready to kill anybody that threatens me. Daaaaam! What fun!
GOF: (I look at my watch, mimicking Trump’s earlier behavior.) OK. I’ve been here 4 minutes and, so far you’ve insulted me and threatened to put a bullet in my head. Can we move on?
POTUS: You used to be a lot more fun than this.
GOF: Did you call me tonight to have some fun? Hell, let’s go bowling! I know of a great 24 hour bowling alley and I’ll whip your ass.
POTUS: I don’t think so.
GOF: So, you been practicing your game down in the White House Bowling Alley.
POTUS: I have a bowling alley?
GOF: Yep. AND a gymnasium. You wanna go one on one with me? A game of horse? I’ll make a horses ass out of you.
POTUS: Really? I have a freaking basketball court?
GOF: Thanks to Obama, yes. I’ve actually been there, so, unless you’ve remodeled it and turned it into a…a….
POTUS: Video Golf.
GOF: Of course. I should have guessed that one.
POTUS: You’ve forgotten we’re in Mar-A-Lago.
GOF: Which really pisses me off, if you want to know.
POTUS: I don’t really care, but go ahead.
GOF: When do I get an invitation to your swanky resort?
POTUS: That’s not going to happen.
GOF: Why? I’m your best buddy, right?
POTUS: Not that kind of buddy.
GOF: Why?
POTUS: If anybody ever finds out about us, I’ll have to “disappear you” or something. I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my security detail what could be done. You like cold weather or hot?
GOF: Which brings up a question. What the hell happened with Bannon and Conway?
POTUS: Jeez, what a disaster.
GOF: Go on…
POTUS: Look, if you want to know the truth, there’s only one person…no, two people, I can trust these days.
GOF: Let me guess. Putin and Xi JinPing?
POTUS: HA! Now that’s funny.
GOF: Who, then?
POTUS: Jared and Ivanka.
GOF: Why?
POTUS: Because they’re family and I know they would never betray me.
GOF: What about Melania?
POTUS: I don’t want to talk about it.
GOF: What’s the problem?
POTUS: I don’t want to talk about it.
GOF: She’s mad at you, right?
POTUS: Well, that’s pretty fucking obvious, isn’t it? This First Lady crap is just creeping her out, and it all ends up in my bedroom, if you know what I mean.
GOF: OK. I don’t want to intrude on your…
POTUS: Seriously, Melania is like, the Most Beautiful Woman I Have Ever Seen! Don’t you think?
GOF: I’m not going to argue that point.
POTUS: You’d think she would be proud of me, and give me some credit, you know? I mean, being President is, like the biggest deal in the world! Right?
GOF: True that.
POTUS: She won’t let me touch her.
GOF: I’m sorry to hear that, buddy.
POTUS: I don’t know what to do. She just gives me that….that….look. And it’s withering. I hate that! Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE THIS WOMAN, like totally, 1000%. But, that look…. I see it in my house. But even worse, I see it on the news. Don’t think I don’t notice that.
GOF: Well…
POTUS: What?
GOF: Permission to speak freely, Sir.
POTUS: Don’t give me that shit. Out with it, you old Fart. Hey, we need refills, right?
GOF: Why the hell not?
POTUS: So, tell me what you’re thinking.
GOF: You have noticed that about 75% of the population of the U.S. thinks you are a blathering fool?
POTUS: Fake news.
GOF: And you’ve alienated most of the public servants in the various agencies of the government?
POTUS: Fake news.
GOF: And that you’ve managed to escalate the North Korea thing into what you’ve called “a very serious..”
POTUS: OK. That’s happening, but it’s not me, it’s this little asshole who is convinced he’s a God with unlimited power.
GOF: Just, step back from this about a thousand miles and look.
POTUS: What the hell are you talking about?
GOF: OK, close your eyes.
POTUS: Really?
GOF: C’mon, I thought you wanted to have some fun.
POTUS: You’re going to give me a titty twister or something?
GOF: Look, if you can’t trust me, who can you trust.
POTUS: Jared and Ivanka.
GOF: OK, besides them. Who else?
POTUS: OK, ok, what do you want me to do?
GOF: Close your eyes. Just imagine you’re on…on the MOON, right? looking down at planet Earth.
POTUS: OK.
GOF: How many Earth’s are there?
POTUS: One.
GOF: Can you see North Korea?
POTUS: (Laughs) To be honest I’m not sure exactly where it is.
GOF: Pause. Look here. I got it on Google Maps.
WRITERS NOTE: I pull up Google Earth, and zoom in on North Korea. I show him how to navigate around in Google Earth.
POTUS: Can you put this on my phone?
GOF: Well, I’d have to charge you a…
POTUS: Cut the crap.
GOF: I already did. Now don’t get addicted to this shit. It’ll do that to you. You can just zoom around the Earth and go anywhere and look at anything. But it’s not real time.
POTUS: How far in the past?
GOF: Depends. Google is a private company, you know.
POTUS: Jeez. Who the hell do these people think they are? I need this.
GOF: Mr. President, you have NASA…
POTUS: Not for long.
GOF: NASA has real time views of most of the world. Maybe you should, like, go see those guys.
POTUS: NASA? Really?
GOF: And then there’s the NOAA.
POTUS: Yeah, I’m defunding those assholes too. What a money pit that is.
GOF: Well, maybe you should go visit them too. Did you know they can give you real time data on any sort of storm or climate data? Or sudden rises in sea level, like which would predict a Tsunami or underground volcanic erup..
POTUS: Bunch of liars. Fakers.
GOF: How can a satellite, in orbit around the earth, with a camera capturing a live real time image of a location on planet Earth, on a secure, 256 bit encrypted feed, be fake news?
POTUS: Photoshop?
GOF: Using our highest encryption, it would take billions of years to break the keys your government is using. Look at this.
POTUS: Jeez, you know what? I’m getting bored.
http://www.eetimes.com/document.asp?doc_id=1279619
GOF: Mr. President, you are majorly in need of a technology lesson. No wonder you’ve got such a wacky points of view about what’s real on your Home Planet. You are trusting “instincts” and ignoring science. You’re going with “truthiness” and not facts.
This is why there are no dinosaurs.
POTUS: Another hoax!
GOF: Well, there are plenty of bones popping up all over the place that…
POTUS: Bullshit.
GOF: Have you ever heard of carbon dating?
POTUS: Sounds kinky, but I would never date a girl named Carbon.
GOF: What the….
WRITERS NOTE: POTUS is smiling at me with his stupid shit eating grin face we’ve all come to…I don’t know…detest?
POTUS: Gotcha!
WRITERS NOTE: I can’t help but laugh, because it’s just so insane I can’t believe this buffoon is (arguably) the most powerful human being on Earth.
GOF: So, the dinosaurs.
POTUS: Enough with the fucking dinosaurs.
GOF: They ignored reality because they had very small brains and limited ability to analyze, and now, they’re all dead. The human race, under your supervision, is heading into the same future.
POTUS: Are you finished?
GOF: No, but…
POTUS: First of all, you are an arrogant smart ass.
GOF: Guilty as charged.
POTUS: Second, I don’t understand much of what the hell you’re talking about.
GOF: I’m Not surprised.
POTUS: Third, can you call Jared and tell him this shit?
GOF: He already knows, I’m sure.
POTUS: Really?
GOF: I have no doubt that he knows about 1000 times more than me about all the encryption schemes, etc., and all the science behind data mining, analysis of satellite feeds, yadda yadda yadda. This is what got you elected.
POTUS: This makes me very happy.
GOF: Why is that?
POTUS: Because you’ve convinced me that I’m right.
GOF: Jeezus… How did that happen? I need another drink.
POTUS: Sure.
GOF: That’s important to you, isn’t it?
POTUS: What?
GOF: Being right.
POTUS: Well, of course it is. Isn’t it, like, the most important thing?
GOF: What if you’re assumption of being right is based on lies? Are you still right?
POTUS: Yes. I’m right, but the assholes that lied to me are the criminals.
GOF: But, your lack of knowledge on the subject is what allowed the liars to get you to believe them.
POTUS: Fuck you. It’s not my fault if I make bad decisions based on lies.
GOF: That’s the crux of your problem, Donald.
POTUS: What?
GOF: You just can’t stand to be wrong about anything. Which means you can’t accept responsibility for any of the consequences for your actions.
POTUS: You’re really beginning to piss me off.
GOF: Well somebody has to do it to keep you from making the human race disappear in a big mushroom cloud.
POTUS: Ooooh, he’s so dramatic.
GOF: Donald, Donald, Donald.
POTUS: Who?
GOF: Mr. President.
POTUS: Yes?
GOF: Since you’ve been elected, I can’t sleep. My blood pressure is out of control. I’m thinking about buying an assault rifle or moving to Canada.
POTUS: You take this shit far too seriously.
GOF: What’s freaking everybody out is that it appears that you don’t take it seriously enough.
POTUS: I don’t know why I let you talk to me this way.
GOF: You’ve never really had a “friend” have you?
POTUS: Of course I have.
GOF: Someone that you would continue talking to even though they pissed you off or called you on your shit.
POTUS: That’s not a friend, that’s a, a, a,
GOF: That’s a friend, Mr. President. You wanna look it up?
POTUS: Whatever. So back to the thing, the North Korea Thing. What are you thinking?
GOF: I listened to one thing in your campaign, and I’ve now seen how ridiculous that advice was.
POTUS: What advice?
GOF: To vote for you because everything was so horrible, “What have you got to lose?”
POTUS: That was brilliant, wasn’t it?
GOF: I had another word in mind, but you probably don’t know what it means.
POTUS: Ooooh, that was pretty harsh. I have words. I know lots of words. Don’t treat me like a, a, child.
GOF: When you stop acting like a child, I will stop treating you like a child.
POTUS: Maybe you are my friend. Otherwise, you’d be dead right now, with one of Maurice’s hollow points in your head.
GOF: You’ve shown me how much there is to lose, and how much has already been lost, and I have no fear of the future when the present is so disconnected from reality that there probably won’t BE one.
POTUS: You lost me about halfway through.
GOF: Once again. You’ve shown me how much there is to…
POTUS: Ha ha ha! I was just riffing. You know, just bullshitting my way through a campaign speech.
GOF: I’m almost drunk enough to ask you another question. But…
POTUS: Bartender! Bring another round!
GOF: Let’s go back to Jared and Ivanka.
POTUS: Now those two, you gotta love them, right?
GOF: I’m impressed. They seem to have their heads screwed on right.
POTUS: So, that’s why I’m right.
GOF: What?
POTUS: They’re the only people I trust.
GOF: Why?
POTUS: You just told me why, but I didn’t know why before you told me.
GOF: Refresh my memory.
POTUS: Because I know that Jared is telling me the truth, and I know that Ivanka is telling me truth. And I know that they are not getting their opinions from bullshit fake news or, or…I know they’re on my side, no matter what.
GOF: So…..
POTUS: This is why you won’t be seeing much of Bannon or Conway any more.
GOF: Well, that’s a relief. Two of the most despicable human beings to ever enter public life.
POTUS: Don’t be mean.
GOF: So why are they gone?
POTUS: Jared and Ivanka cornered me and just railed on me for an hour or so.
GOF: And?
POTUS: They convinced me that these two loyal supporters were damaging the “Trump brand” and filling my head with fake science and fake news.
GOF: And?
POTUS: And Jared told me he’d walk out if I didn’t get rid of Bannon.
GOF: And?
POTUS: And, like I’ve told you before, Jared is, like, the smartest guy on the planet, and he loves my daughter, and because of this, it’s important to HIM that I succeed.
GOF: Donald?
POTUS: Huh?
GOF: That is the smartest thing I’ve ever heard you say.
POTUS: Really?
GOF: Really.
POTUS: Thanks, you old Fart. I really appreciate that.
GOF: So what’s next?
POTUS: What do you think?
GOF: North Korea.
POTUS: What a fucking nightmare.
GOF: Every president has to have his war. It keeps the cash flowing to the Military Industrial Complex. Creates Jobs. Keeps the stock market going up. Keeps America on the top of the heap. And distracts the public and bolsters nationalistic enthusiasm, and allows the government to sneak in while nobody’s paying attention and further erode what freedoms we have left.
POTUS: Jeez, Fart. You’re even more cynical than me.
GOF: There is very little dirt that is older than me, Mister 70 year old President Trump. But I’ve been paying attention to the world stage, while you’ve been paying attention to your own interests at the expense of all others, getting rich selling real estate. So, you’re a billionaire, and I’m a broke ass reporter.
POTUS: I can’t believe a smart son of a bitch like you isn’t rich.
GOF: Being smart is actually detrimental to getting rich.
POTUS: Really?
GOF: You just have to be ruthless to get rich. Smartness usually results in a person having a moral compass, which makes you back away from doing things that make you rich at the expense of others.
POTUS: That sort of sounded like an insult.
GOF: It’s not an insult, it’s an observation from a friend. Take it or leave it.
POTUS: Fuck you, Fart.
GOF: Whatever. OK, lets go back to Kim Jong un.
POTUS: Jesus. You’re just a downer tonight, you old fart.
GOF: Thats my job.
POTUS: This Kim guy’s a lunatic.
GOF: Takes one to know one.
WRITERS NOTE: POTUS just blows his 50 year old scotch all over the bar. At first I think its time for another death threat, but then I see he’s laughing.
POTUS: This is why I love you, ya ol’ Fart! You’re fucking hilarious!
GOF: OK. I know you can’t talk about this with the press.
POTUS: Obviously.
GOF: But, you can tell me, right?
POTUS: What I’d really like to do is to waft an ICBM gracefully into his front yard and vaporize him and his million-man army and his defective rockets.
GOF: Don’t we have some sort of James Bond dudes that can just walk up to him at a cocktail party and put a bullet in head?
POTUS: You’d think we would have that capability, you know?
GOF: We don’t?
POTUS: I would tell you, but then, I’d have to kill you.
NOTE: We both laugh.
GOF: OK, I’m just as naïve as you or the next guy, but I know exactly how to destroy Kim’s nuclear weapon program.
POTUS: Jeez. I get that line from every freaking general and CIA team and FBI bull-shitter and congressional committee and and, and, they’re all…
GOF: But I’m just your buddy, right? I have no power, and I want no power, and nobody would believe me if I told them about this meeting, right?
POTUS: OK. I’ll bite. What’s your “big plan?”
GOF: This is going to take a minute.
POTUS: Jeez. (to the Bartender: Refills?) You’re a lush.
GOF: 50-year-old scotch? What’s not to like?
NOTE: We both laugh.
GOF: OK. Here it is. Are you taking notes.?
POTUS: Every word you say is being recorded.
GOF: Really?
POTUS: No, of course not! That would really be stupid.
GOF: Plausible Deniability?
POTUS: What?
GOF: Remember Nixon?
POTUS: Right. If there isn’t a record then you don’t have to deny it.
GOF: Right. How did you beat Hillary?
POTUS: But then, I’m talking to you. Why is this not going to fuck me?
GOF: Who in their right mind would believe anything I reported? I’m just a washed up old hack running a Home Town Rag named The Stanken Rose Gazette.
POTUS: Ha! I love this. I feel so, so, FREE!
GOF: How did you beat Hillary?
POTUS: I have no idea. It shocked me as much as anybody.
GOF: I know how you beat Hillary.
POTUS: Jeez. This better be good. This bar tab is killing me.
WRITERS NOTE: We both have a good laugh at this one.
GOF: First of all, you had a tremendously successful campaign of lies and fake news that painted Hillary as a criminal and a liar and a sick and tired old “Lying Hillary” bitch and a failed leader and a bad wife because she wouldn’t leave her philandering husband and blah blah blah…
POTUS: OK. That’s all true.
GOF: Most of this was total bullshit. Just made up by good old Steve and the crew.
POTUS: For the sake of argument, I’ll say, yes, that’s true.
GOF: So, this barrage of lies and fake news about the character of Hillary just destroyed her as a candidate. The reality is – and I know you’re well aware of this so don’t bullshit me – is, is, is, that she’s an honorable person who has devoted her entire life to public service. Hell, you used to be friends with the Clintons!
POTUS: I don’t need a history lesson about my own fucking life.
GOF: I think maybe you do. Maybe you’ve sort of glossed over a few things. After all, you are 70 years old. The brain ain’t designed to go that far. Shit starts kind of slipping away…You tend to..
POTUS: So, where are we going with this?
GOF: You already told me, last time. Jared and you were having a drink. He thought you’d been doing this whole president thing as an “object lesson,” but then, well, you know…
POTUS: He says, “Dad, do you actually want to be President? Because, if you do, well I can make that happen.”
GOF: I wish I’d been at THAT little get together.
POTUS: I know, right? Like, a moment in history. Shwing! Bam! Zip! Holy Crap! Next thing you know, I’m the fucking PRESIDENT!
WRITER’S NOTE: Long silence, as we consider this.
POTUS: People are strange.
GOF: (I sing the next line. When you’re a stranger.)
WRITERS NOTE: I know this sounds very strange, but POTUS and I started singing The Doors song “People Are Strange.” You just have to love the power of 50 year old scotch to open up neural pathways and get real…
POTUS and GOF singing:
People are strange
When you’re a stranger
Faces look ugly
When you’re alone
Women seem wicked
When you’re unwanted
Streets are uneven
When you’re down
POTUS: Jared swooped in with his tremendous data mining skills and , and, I just did everything he told me to do.
GOF: He gave you a plan that made your ascension to the throne inevitable. And the Democrats were just watching you zoom by, with absolutely no idea what was happening!
POTUS: God I love that guy. Jared is the best!
GOF: Listen very carefully, Donald. What I’m about to say will make you the hero of the 21st century and the best president of all time.
POTUS: I like the sound of that.
GOF: That is your actual goal, right?
POTUS: You got me there, you old Fart. I always want to be the best. I want America to be the best! I want to Make America Gr….
GOF: Stop campaigning.
POTUS: What?
GOF: You want the plan or not?
POTUS: What?
GOF: Its past my bedtime, maybe I should just go home.
POTUS: What the hell are you talking about?
GOF: It’s 4:30 AM!
POTUS: No, no, you can’t leave yet.
GOF: This is a free country, the last time I checked. I want to go home.
POTUS: Jeez. I’m the fucking President of the fucking United States of America and I can’t even get respect from a washed up reporter for a little home town rag….
GOF: All right, then. Good luck Donald. No need for an escort home. I’ll get an Uber.
MY PHONE: “DING!”
GOF: Wow, that was quick. Haddad will be here in 2 minutes.
POTUS: What a great company….
GOF: See ya’ next time, Mr. Trump.
POTUS: You’re just going to leave me with this mystery?
GOF: Yep.
POTUS: What kind of an American are you?
GOF: A scared one.
POTUS: Ok, ok ok. Settle down. Cancel the Uber. Jeez, Fart, I’m dying here.
GOF: That would hurt my rating. Can’t do that.
POTUS: Look, I’ll personally call Kalanick tomorrow and explain….
GOF: Promise?
POTUS: Pinky Swear?
WRITERS NOTE: We do a pinky swear. One of the most surreal moments of my entire life. A “pinky swear” with the President of…Oh, never mind.
GOF: Donald, your campaign was a phenomenon never before seen in American politics…
POTUS: Thank you.
GOF: That wasn’t a compliment. You assembled a team that became a weapon, absolutely beyond compare, at weaving a web of lies and fake news. Then, finding the vulnerabilities in an organization, finding its weak spots, it’s “seams”, so to speak. And then, just hammering the shit out of any weakness with ANY sort of bullshit, true of false.
POTUS: It was a beautiful thing, wasn’t it? People will be talking about this for 100 years.
GOF: Maybe… This level of skill, coupled with a complete disregard for integrity and truth, resulted in a complete destruction of any credibility people might have had for the targets of your program of deceit—in this case, Hillary Clinton. And, with the consistent pounding of unprovable allegations, day after day, you crushed her campaign, while, all along she thought she was a shoe in for the presidency.
POTUS: It was a beautiful thing.
GOF: (sigh)
POTUS: What? It worked, right?
GOF: No comment.
POTUS: You’re not sounding much like a Republican tonight. You’re probably a fucking liberal.
GOF: So are you, Donald. Which is what is really, really strange about what’s going on right now with all this bullshit you’re pounding everybody with day after day, like a fucking….
POTUS: Donald Trump, the liberal. Now that’s funny. OK, let’s go with “the former liberal.”
What’s your point?
GOF: (I’m hyperventilating.) I’m about to blow a gasket over here.
WRITER’S NOTE: The feeling I’m having at this point is what one might expect if they were sitting with Hannibal Lecter, talking to you just after he’s sawed off the top of your skull and he’s spooning out your brain and eating it, while you watch.)
POTUS: Settle down, settle down.
GOF: OK.
POTUS: Another scotch?
GOF: Why the hell not?
POTUS: That’s the spirit! C’mon, let’s keep this going.
WRITER’S NOTE: POTUS raises an eyebrow at the bartender, and another awesome, delicious, perfectly chilled double scotch rocks magically slides in front of my face.
POTUS: Man, you gotta get that blood pressure thing under control. It’ll kill you.
GOF: Well if I could afford Health Insurance, I would. But.
POTUS: Obamacare! What a…
GOF: I have health insurance. Blue Cross Blue Shield.
POTUS: Then, you’re all set.
WRITERS NOTE: If you know the definition of the word “incredulous”, well, that’s me at this point.
POTUS: OK, Ok, let’s not get side tracked on the healthcare thing. It’s another nightmare for another time.
GOF: Right.
POTUS: OK. The plan. What’s your plan?
GOF: Call up your asshole buddy Steve Bannon put him on the North Korea thing.
POTUS: I thought you hated Steve?
GOF: Not as much as I hate dying in a fucking thermonuclear exchange.
POTUS: Um hummm…
GOF: You don’t need nuclear weapons to defeat a psychopath like Kim Jong Un. You just need LIES.
POTUS: I don’t get it.
GOF: Kim is an immature little pipsqueak who is, unfortunately revered as a GOD within the borders of N. Korea. He maintains his absurd belief by controlling any connection to the outside world. The people of N. Korea sincerely believe that he is not only the political but the spiritual leader of Korea. And they have no alternative source of information from the outside world to contradict this claim.
POTUS: That’s really fucked up. I wish I had that much power.
NOTE: I just looked at him and laughed.
POTUS: What? I’m just saying, it must be nice to have people actually do what you want them to do in a government and a country. It sucks to be the President of the U.S.A. I really have no power. Jeez.
GOF: Thank God!
POTUS: That was kind of harsh.
GOF: Let’s go on. So, you like power, right?
POTUS: Love it. Love it.
GOF: Can’t you see how you can destroy Kim Jong Un without firing a single shot?
POTUS: No.
WRITERS NOTE: I sigh.
GOF: Use exactly the same techniques used to destroy Hillary to destroy Kim Jong Un.
POTUS: What?
GOF: Who are the most important people in his nuclear program?
POTUS: I don’t know.
GOF: The scientists.
POTUS: Oh. Right. I fucking hate scientists. Think they know every fucking thing!
GOF: Well, then you’re going to love this plan.
POTUS: Now I’m getting excited.
GOF: Spread the rumor that there is a mole, possibly multiple moles, in Kim’s nuclear program, that are resulting in the failure of his missile launches. “Classified Sources” is the key phrase. Get Bannon to blow this story up into a big internet thing. Maybe it’s true, maybe it isn’t. It doesn’t matter. But Kim Jong Un, who is a psychopath, will begin a brutal investigation to find the mole. There will be executions for anybody who can’t prove that they’re innocent, and his most loyal “inner circle” are the most vulnerable. Eventually, he will decimate his scientific staff to the point where they have no expertise to complete the nuclear program. Then he’ll go after the generals. Fabricate evidence, true or false, doesn’t really matter, which shows people in his military to be disloyal. More executions.
POTUS: Damn! Lots of fucking smart ass scientists getting the axe. I love that.
GOF: Get Jared involved in the data mining part. Just go out there and lie your ass off, day after day. Dream shit up, the more outlandish the better. And keep it coming, just pound on it, day after day. Get Jared to tell you what’s moving the needle and what’s not. Get the asshole Bannon to dream up the most outlandish shit imaginable, and tweet it incessantly.
POTUS: This is a cakewalk.
GOF: Kim is the classic paranoid suppressive person, who believes that everybody in the world is out to destroy him. He’ll start executing people right and left and after a while, North Korea won’t have the knowledge or ability to complete their nuclear program.
POTUS: Jeeeeeeeezus.
GOF: And the U.S. never fires a shot. But, most importantly, nobody shoots off a thermonuclear weapon which is, like “tits up” for the human race.
POTUS: Tits up?
GOF: When you bury somebody, which direction are their tits pointing?
POTUS: Oh I get it.
WRITERS NOTE: There’s a long silence here. I can hear the ice melting in his glass. I can feel the warm of the soothing 50-year-old Scotch as it slithers down my throat.
POTUS: You are a twisted son of a bitch.
GOF: Takes one to know one.
POTUS: I have to get you together with Steve to get this into motion.
GOF: Well, that’s going the expensive, because, I really, really hate Steve Bannon.
POTUS: I get it. But sometimes we have to just hold our noses to get a job done.
GOF: Which explains the Duterte thing.
POTUS: Right. It takes a monster to kill a monster.
GOF: Sad, but true. Now we have 2 or 3 monsters lined up against 1.
POTUS: Jeezus, I wish I could shoot you when you say shit like that.
GOF: I know. It’s really a shame. But you’re going to have to invite me to Mara Lago next weekend.
POTUS: Jeez.
GOF: I’ll wear a disguise, and I won’t talk to anyone.
POTUS: You drive a hard bargain, you old fart.
GOF: Take it or leave it I don’t give a shit.
POTUS: Deal.
GOF: OK. I’m going to Goodwill tomorrow to buy a suit.
POTUS: Fuck that! I’ll send you a suit. Navy blue gabardine? 50-inch chest, 40 regular? 17 neck? Inseam 32?
GOF: Damn you’re good.
POTUS: I considered being a tailor at one point. Pleats? Cuffs?
GOF: Pleats, no cuffs. You’d have made a great tailor. Just saying.
POTUS: Yeah, but, now I’m going to be the Most Awesome President In History. And I owe it all to you.
GOF: Don’t make me blush. I just wanted some of that jumbo shrimp.
POTUS: If I’d have known you were this easy to manipulate, I’d have opened with the shrimp.
GOF: How can something be a shrimp, and also be jumbo? Isn’t that sort of, I don’t know…
POTUS: Wait. Wait… I know this word.
GOF: Shoot.
POTUS: dis-con fili… con dictionary of termi….Oblitima..
GOF: Oxymoron.
POTUS: There you go insulting me again. I’m not a moron.
GOF: I’m not…That’s the word. Oxymoron.
POTUS: I was just about to say that.
WRITERS NOTE: We both laugh. We had another drink and listened to Led Zepplin. Surprisingly, Trump knew all the words to “Stairway To Heaven.” Go figure.
WRITERS NOTE: Damn. I forgot to ask him about the Putin thing with the rocket to Mars.
Mia Culpa, mia culpa. I’m a terrible reporter.
WRITERS NOTE: On the way out the door, I heard POTUS on the phone.
POTUS: Jared! Dude! I’ve got a great idea! Oh, damn. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize what time it is. No, no, I know you like to make Ivanka’s breakfast. Really sweet, really sweet. So, when are you getting up?
Over and out.
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