By Garrulous O. Fart, Editor
The Stanken’ Rose Gazette.
THIS INTERVIEW IS SATIRE. IT NEVER HAPPENED. And, it was conceived BEFORE Trump’s son in law Jared Kirschner took over his campaign and showed him how to win by using data mining to find the soft spots in the Democrat’s seemingly locked in win. Well, we all know how that worked out. But, something like this could have happened, right? I mean, there are no unicorns or fairies in it. It has truthyness. So I’m going to leave it up for a while.
After our exclusive interview, which was the same old boring blather that I’m not interested in publishing, Mr. Fart and Mr. Trump relaxed over some 100-year-old Scotch (McKlinegannicapoo Single Malt,) illegal Havana Cigars rolled by Castro himself, and even more illegal medicinal MJ, which I just happened to have in my kit, for medicinal purposes only, of course. Thanks to Mr. Trump’s lack of “judgement” coupled with his completely luddite attitude toward technology, his lavalier microphone was still clipped to his lapel. And switched on. And recording wirelessly to my H4N digital recorder. Oops.
WARNING: LEWD and LASCIVIOUS LANGUAGE. CURSING. This is a “locker room” conversation with Trump. Proceed at your own risk.
Trump: You wouldn’t believe how hard it is running for President.
Fart: Why’s that? Looks like you’re having lots of fun out there.
Trump: I know, doesn’t it look that way? But, it’s exhausting. It’s like I’m on stage, acting, like what’s that famous white haired guy…
Fart: Sir Lawrence Olivier?
Trump: Who? Whatever. Yeah. Like him.
Fart: You are actually pretty awesome in a lot of ways.
Trump: I really am.
Fart: In all the wrong ways, of course, but awesome just the same.
Trump: I’m really selling it, right? Bigly. Bigly.
Trump: Selling it. You know. The crazy thing.
Fart: Oh, absolutely. Everybody thinks you’re totally insane.
Trump: I’m just killin’ it. Every day. I’m f**king awesome. Nobody understands how f**king awesome I am at this. Nobody would dare do this but me.
Fart: No doubt.
Trump: But, you know. I’m not crazy.
Trump: I know exactly what I’m doing. I’m the most non crazy person you’ve ever met. You’re crazier than I am. Hugely less sane.
Fart: So, you think you’re going to win this election….some….somehow?
Trump: Oh, heeelllll no! Not a chance in hell. I’ve got the Blacks hating me, the Muslims hate me. The Meskins….Jeez. I don’t think there is a single Mexican in this country that will vote for me, unless they’re insane.
Fart: And the women.
Trump: Oh, Jeez. They just despise me. You know, it’s actually not safe for me to walk down the street anymore?
Trump: Women spit on me.
Trump: Spit. Like hawk up big green loogers and spit right on my $10,000 suit. They don’t give a shit. You should see my cleaning bill. Terrible. Terrible.
Fart: Who does this?
Trump: Women. Any woman out there that isn’t, like so beaten down by her redneck husband or her fundamentalist Christian right wing pastor or some such nonsense. They all hate me. As long as I say I’m going to repeal Roe vs. Wade and Obamacare, I can do anything I want and those f**kers will still vote for me. Amazing. It’s like they’re zombies or something. I really don’t understand it. But I know how to use it.
Fart: Maybe they think you’re “the Anti-Christ.”
Trump: The what?
Fart: The…. Never mind. Just a joke.
Trump: You’re not a very funny person, Fart.
Fart: I’m good at Fart jokes.
Trump: (laughs) Hahahahahaa. I take it back. You’re f**king hilarious.
Fart: So, what are you up to?
Trump: You really want to know?
Fart: I really want to know.
Trump: Goes no further than this bar stool?
Fart: I can’t guarantee that, but, I’ll do my best.
Trump: At least you’re honest. I like that.
Trump: (sighs) It just got out of hand. I didn’t mean for it to go this far, but I kept winning, winning winning. Jeez. So much winning, it just went to my head. Now, I don’t know how to get out of it.
Trump: Being president.
Fart: You don’t want to be president?
Trump: God no. Worst job in the world. Have you actually been in the White House?
Fart: Not lately.
Trump: It’s a dump. Jeez I couldn’t live there without a major remodel. Cost a fortune. Melania would…jeez. She’d hate it. And you know what happens when you’re wife’s not happy.
Trump: No nookie.
Trump: Yup. Closes up just like a big giant clam. No way Jose.
Trump: And everybody watching you’re every move. Horrible. Horrible. And you have no actual power. The way I go after women? Oh Jeez. It would be a DISASTER! Congress? Jeez, You got like 570 assholes disagreeing and second guessing you’re every move.
Trump: Senate plus the house would be 535 assholes.
Fart: So, you were saying….
Trump: So, I don’t know. At some point I’m going to have to pull the plug on this thing.
Fart: Pull the…
Trump: Bow out.
Fart: You mean…
Trump: Leave the stage. Bye bye politics. Time to get back to work.
Fart: What about Hillary?
Trump: She’ll do OK. Thing’s will just crank along like they have been. I’ll continue making lots of money. It’ll all work out.
Fart: Who’s going to be the Republican Candidate?
Trump: I don’t give a flying f**k. The REPUBLICAN PARTY? I hate republicans. Lying, spineless bastards, every one of them. They never supported me! We could have actually won this thing. F**k the Republican party. I’m glad that I’ve been able to bigly, bigly tank the f**king Republican party. The only thing I hate worse than Republicans is Democrats. Now those assholes are losers, one and all. Maybe somebody will start a new party that isn’t so f**ked up, and then the country can get back on the rails.
Fart: I don’t know what to…..say.
Trump: Well, some f**king reporter you are, Fart!
Fart: Right. So.. what are you going to do?
Trump: I don’t know yet. But it’s going to be spectacular.
Trump: What do you think about this? “The Church of Trump.” Yeah?
Trump: I’m kidding. Jeez. Can’t you take a joke? Lighten up.
Trump: But maybe I’m not.
Fart: Heh Heh…
Trump: Not really. But wait till you see what I’m going to do.
Fart: I can hardly wait. Can you give me a little clue? Just between old friends?
Trump: I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. Ha ha. Ha… Just kidding.
But, it’s going to be amazing. Like nothing you’ve seen before. I’ll go down in history as the craziest presidential candidate in the history of planet Earth. The guy who gutted the entire political system of the U.S.A and forced them to start over from scratch.
Fart: Throwing out the baby and the bathwater?
Trump: And the f**king tub! I’m going to light a match to the whole f**ked up thing and laugh while it burns. People will be talking about Donald J. Trump for centuries. And I’ll just keep making money and roasting the f**king Democrats AND the Republicans on the spit. Fanning the flames of change.
Fart: Like Nero?
Fart: Nero. Fiddled while he watched Rome burn?
Trump: Whatever. I need a drink! Who do I have to fire to get another drink around here?
*Note To The SRG Publisher. I’ve already tendered my resignation. But, beings I’m also the publisher. I don’t accept it. Good Work, G.O.Fart!