Trump Meets with The Stanken Rose Gazette Reporter for PEOTUS preview of his presidential plans.
EDITORS NOTE:
Garrulous O. Fart stresses that this is a satirical look at a conversation that he is of the opinion is “true”, but there is absolutely no actual evidence of this conversation ever occurring. Based on current events, we’ll let you, the readers, be the judge of its truthyness.
Garrulous O. Fart’s transcription of the interview, as accurate as his surreptitious recording would allow.
(Trump is in our favorite secret bar, nursing a cognac, looking pensive.)
Garrulous Old Fart (GOF): Mr. Trump, hello. You’ve been busy.
Donald Trump, (PEOTUS): Hey, you old fart, how’s it hangin’?
GOF: I can’t believe you actually agreed to talk with me again. I mean, that last story I wrote was all over the internet. Must have been embarrassing.
PEOTUS: Yeah, right. You got like 19 views on it.
GOF: Oh..Well, then why are you talking with me?
PEOTUS: Hey, I get lonely. You’re great to talk to. I can’t talk to anybody else like you. You take me at face value.
GOF: I guess you could say that. But probably not.
PEOTUS: Hey, hey, don’t be mean. Next week, I could have you disappeared. How about life in GITMO?
GOF: I hear the healthcare is great.
PEOUTUS: (laughs hard)
PEOTUS: And, anyway, if anybody did see this, they’d just assume you made it up. I’d deny it. On to the next news cycle.
GOF: That’s kind of sad.
PEOTUS: I guess so. My flock. My sheep. (big sigh) They are so stupid. They’ll believe anything I tell them.
GOF: So, were you surprised that you won? It looked like you were.
PEOTUS: I was freaked, but I knew it was going to happen. I just did what Jared told me to do.
GOF: Your son in law?
PEOTUS: Smart cookie, that kid. We were drowning our sorrows one night when it looked like Hillary had us on the ropes, and he said, “Dad…do you what to be president? Because if you do, I can make it happen. Guaranteed.”
GOF: How could he promise that?
PEOTUS: Hell if I know. He tried to explain it to me but it was like Woosh! Right over my head. Something about data mines and statistical analyzers or something. He’s got this computer over there at 666 Fifth that is, just HUMONGOUS. Faster than sh*t.
I just had to do ONE thing.
GOF: What?
PEOTUS: Everything he told me to do. Without question. Without going off script. Or I had to tell him I was going off script so he could adjust. Can you believe this guy Jared, my son in law, is the best advisor I’ve ever had? He’s a life-long democrat. A Jew, but an atheist. A cynical bastard of the first order. The Press f*d his dad around so badly he hates them –he’s the only guy I ever met who hates the F*&36g press more than I do and that’s pretty hard to top. He’s so outrageous, he buys this famous building at 666 Fifth Ave.
(he pauses to laugh and slap is leg, gasping for breath) – just as a poke in the eye for all the Bible thumpers! You can’t make this sh*t up! And smart! Like a 500 IQ or something.
GOF: So you were his puppet for the last part of the campaign?
PEOTUS: Yeah! Like Kermit the frog! Every day he said “go here, now go here. Say the same old sh*t. The wall, the Muslims, crooked Hillary, yaddayadda. Just POUND IT! I will send you tweets and tell you when to do it. Whip them up like you always do. Now do 4 rallies in 1 day, in these cities. F*ck the press. You don’t need the press. They are your enemy. The republican party is your enemy. We don’t need to buy ads, we have CNN, FOX MSNBC, blah blah putting you out there for free! The democrats are, well they’re actually the only reason that it is remotely possible for you to get elected, because so many people hate the Clintons. It’s a beautiful thing.
GOF: And, it worked.
PEOTUS: Bigly. Bigly. A….MAAA…ZING…LY.
A long silence
PEOTUS: (He is gleeful) Can you believe in about a week I’m going to have the NSA, the Secret Service, the CIA, the FBI, the AIR FORCE, ARMY, NAVY, MARINES? Jeez, this is going to be so much fun. I am going to f^&^&^^c k some people UP!
GOF: You forgot the Coast Guard.
PEOTUS: The WHAT?
GOF: The Coast Guard.
PEOTUS: What the hell is that?
GOF: It’s a branch of service that protects our…
PEOTUS: Whatever. I don’t need any of them anyway. Do you realize I have like over 11 MILLION twitter followers? I could tweet
“I want every true American with an assault rifle to line up along the border of Mexico on Tuesday at noon.” And they’d do it. BAM. That’s power.
GOF: I wish you wouldn’t have said that. I’m going to have bad dreams…..
Anyway…Now what?
PEOTUS: I’d tell you but I’d have to shoot you.
GOF: You don’t have to shoot me, remember? I’m a nobody.
PEOTUS: Right. Damn, you’re good, you old fart.
GOF: So, what’s the plan?
PEOTUS: You don’t have a clue, do you?
GOF: Does anybody?
PEOTUS: Hahahaha.
(orders another Cognac)
PEOTUS: OK. Check this out. The whole thing is going to run like a, like an American Idol slash Apprentice sort of thing. See, every month or so I’m going to get to fire somebody, which will make me a hero for the liberals.
GOF: Who are you going to fire?
PEOTUS: (He looks at me like I’m a simpleton.) Really?
GOF: Oh, sh*t. The cabinet?
PEOTUS: Riiiiight! I mean look at those ass hats I’m hiring! That slime-ball Sessions, a racist bigot for Attorney General! Probably has a KKK cape in his closet! Unbelievable. A climate denier Oil Man for the EPA. Ha! That’s hilarious, even if I do say so myself. And a billionaire corporate raider for Labor. I could go on. Carson? Jeez. He’s never run anything in his life but a surgery. I thought about Dennis Rodman for Education, but…well, that’s not a bad idea…let me write that down…
GOF: Oh, I see…Sort of like The Producers?
PEOTUS: The what?
GOF: It’s a popular stage play that was turned into a movie, about making a stage play that was so bad, everybody would lose their money and he…
PEOTUS: Whatever. So, when these clowns make it through the hearings, and they will, because Congress is a bunch of cowards and yes men on the take and I’ve got them running scared like dogs. Well, then, my esteemed cabinet will be so f*.n inept and piss so many people off that the liberals will be SCREAMING for me to fire them. No, TO LYNCH them. And I’ll have to step in and say, guess what?
GOF: Turn in your resignation?
PEOTUS: No, Fart. (He stands up and puts on his best snarly TV face) YOU’RE FIRED!
I love to fire people. It is my greatest joy.(A couple of people in the bar look up from their drinks, like lemurs, shoot the finger at him and go back to drinking. PEOTUS is almost hyperventilating, he’s so excited at this point.)
PEOTUS: Imagine that? In a NEWS CONFERENCE on ALL NETWORKS in the WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM? YOU’RE FIRED! Jaaayzus, you can’t buy coverage that good. I’ll be a hero! I’ll be front page news on every paper in the world “TRUMP SAVES AMERICA!”
GOF: OK, so what about Obamacare?
PEOTUS: (He does something that is kind of like a razzzberry. I don’t know what to call it.) F*ck Obamacare. They’ll be twisting around on that one for a couple of years. It’s not so simple. We’ll fight the good fight, just like Bill and Hillary did, and Obama, poor schmuck. And we’ll do something, spend a lot of time and money you know, dance around and make a lot of hoo haw noise. It won’t work, because of the greedy Drug companies and Insurances companies. It’s a nest of vipers. The whole system has to be scrapped. Just…blown to smithereens.
GOF: What about your campaign promise?
PEOTUS: Really? I guess some of the sheep thought I’d wave a magic wand and repeal Obamacare on day 1. But that’s so naïve it is painful to even think about. Give me a break.
GOF: There’s something you’re not telling me.
PEOTUS: That’s true. You’re not going to ask me about the wall, are you?
GOF: I don’t care about the stupid wall. It’s ridiculous and you know it.
PEOTUS: OK, but the sheep looooooooove that thing. Right?
GOF: I’m listening.
PEOTUS: I call it, “The Great Escape.”
GOF: That sounds ominous.
PEOTUS: Good word for it, I think. What does that mean, ominous? I like it.
GOF: Full of foreboding.
PEOTUS: For Biden? No no no…
GOF: No, no, no. Fore Bode Ing.
PEOTUS: Jaaayzus. Now you’re showing off. Speak English.
GOF: OK. Real Bad?
PEOTUS: Exactly. Reeeeel Bad. But, in a way, real good. For Me, anyway.
GOF: OK, spill it. I ain’t got all night.
PEOTUS: Oooo, he’s getting uppity?
GOF: A dead man walking has no fear.
PEOTUS: Ha! Funny. But maybe not.
GOF: Please, just shoot me or tell me. I don’t really care at this point.
PEOTUS: You are a funny man, Fart.
GOF: He he he…..
PEOTUS: OK. Ok.
GOF: OK?
PEOTUS: You know how I’ve got the Christian Right Wing in my pocket?
GOF: You do?
PEOTUS: Way down in the bottom of my pocket. Below the lint.
GOF: Really?
PEOTUS: 1000%…
Long silence.
PEOTUS: You ever wonder why that is? After all the horrible sh*t I do, and say? Day after day? Making fun of people, saying bad things about helpless cripples and grieving parents and abusing women and laughing about it? Damn…that sounds like a country song…I need to call Kid Rock…
GOF: It is kind of a mystery, now that you mention it.
PEOTUS: You ever heard of the Anti-Christ?
GOF: You mean, like, in Revelations?
PEOTUS: I think so. That’s the thing at the end of the Bible, right?
GOF: What are you saying?
PEOTUS: They think I’m the Anti-Christ.
GOF: That’s ridiculous. Do you…think you’re the…?
PEOTUS: Of course not, that’s all just a bunch of hooey.
GOF: So, what’s the big deal?
PEOTUS: Well, there’s this thing about reality, see. Jared clued me in on this. Bigly. Bigly. This is kind of deep…
GOF: I can do deep.
PEOTUS: F^&%jk Y&%$u, Mr. Smart Ass. Now…If enough people in a society sincerely believe something is true, then it actually becomes accepted as the truth. So the ones who DON’T believe it are in the minority,and everybody assumes that they are crazy because they don’t see the obvious truth that “everybody” believes in. And these people who are not so stupid as to believe in absolute horse sh*t are hounded out of the society, or jailed, unless they at least pretend to believe the lie.
GOF: Kind of like Brave New World.
PEOTUS: What? Jeez, you old Fart, you are such a show off with your F7^%ing literatary know it all.
GOF: Well the whole idea is cray cray.
PEOTUS: Of course it is. But it’s going to work. Mark my words.
GOF: OK, so how does that figure in on what you’re doing?
PEOTUS: You’re not very smart, after all. I thought you were a writer.
GOF: I admit it. I have no imagination. Just spell it out for me.
PEOTUS: I get the Russians and the North Koreans and the Iranians and the Israelis and the other guys with the funny head scarf things, the…
GOF: The Palestinians?
PEOTUS: Right. Those guys all whipped up and I start being all goofy with the nuclear weapons, well, that’s when the Christian brothers start turning up their preaching, lambasting me from the pulpits around the country, about how I’m fulfilling prophecy or some such blather. And they just egg me on and on and I start a twitter tit for tat with a couple of Ayatollas and whoever’s running Iran and Kim Jong what the F*&k in North Korea, until finally….
(Long Silence)
GOF: Finally?
PEOTUS: Boom.
GOF: What are you saying?
PEOTUS: (He sings a bit of Randy Newman’s song… “Boom goes London, Boom Paree. More Room for you and more room for me…”)
GOF: Wait. That song was satire, not a model for foreign relations.
PEOTUS: If the shoe fits, wear it.
GOF: You’re serious?
PEOTUS: As a F$%#n thermonuclear heart attack.
GOF: Do you realize how insane this is?
PEOTUS: I do. But I’m perfectly sane. Its all these other mo fo’s that are crazy.
GOF: Your scheme will end civilization. End the human race.
PEOUTUS: Its too bad. But that’s what its going to take to Make America Great Again.
(He can see that I am absolutely appalled. Yet he stares me right in the eyes with a silly Trumpy grin.)
Start over.
GOF: I’ve misunderestimated you, Mr. Trump.
PEOTUS: Most people do.
GOF: But, you’ll be fried too, just like the rest of us.
PEOTUS: Naaah. The Christians will get their Armageddon, just like they dream about. All the riff raff will be vaporized. The Pope, the Ayatollas, Jesse F^n Jackson, Mitch the ass&^$%e McConnel, the 500 club dude, the entire f&*$%#N staff of CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, BRIETBART, BUZZFEED, AL JAZEERA … But, I’ve got a rocket.
GOF: You…what?
PEOTUS: Jeez, you old fart, why the hell you think I’m getting all cozy with Putin? It’s up in Kazuki puki stan or some wacky place. Siberia, you know. Not even on a map. Under a mountain. Me and Putin and about 50 of our closest friends and the world’s most beautiful women will be out of here. You should see these women we have picked out. Amazing. They will do A Neee Thing. Anything. And the best whiskey money can buy. Cuban Cigars. FROM CUBA! Maybe a little reefer, I’ve heard it’s fun but I never inhaled (ahem, ahem) We’ll watch the big fireworks show from a few miles up. Go colonize Mars or something. Wait for the radiation to clear. I don’t know. Puty boy’s Scientists have it all worked out. Not like our idiot NASA pukes. These Ruskies get sh*t DONE!
(At this point, PEOTUS’S Cell phone rang.)
PEOTUS: Jared! What’s up, kid? (Covers the phone.) I gotta take this. Hey, you old Fart! Enjoyed the talk!
(He pats me on the back and walks out of the bar gabbing like he hasn’t a care in the world.)
PEOTUS: (back to his call) Jared, look kid, what are we going to do about this asshole Cruz? Can we take him down a notch or three?
-30-
