By Garrulous O. Fart
Publisher, The Stanken Rose Gazette
NOTE: This is satire.
In an exclusive interview with Donald J. Trump’s very personal physician, the odd language and almost childish misconceptions about what a medical report should read were finally clarified. We reached out Dr. Mortimer Hoo, the physician who actually performed the complete physical exam. Here is a transcript of the phone interview.
HOO: That would be a violation of client – patient priviledge.
SRG: Its OK, Dr.HOO: This is strictly off the record.
HOO: OK. Well, Trump’s condition is a trainwreck. A heart attack waiting to happen.
SRG: Can you be more specific?
HOO:Well, look at the guy! He’s morbidly obese, for crissake. Constipated all the time, sleep apnea, impotence, irritable bowel syndrome…you name it, he’s got it. He eats red meat 3 times a day, drinks like a fish, never exercises, except for his mouth. He needs help getting up out of a chair.
SRG: You seem to be a bit angry right now.
HOO: Well, yeah, I am! If that cocksucker would pay my bill every once in awhile I’d probably be in a better mood. He’s into me for about $150 g’s. I’m just a family doctor, not a rich muckety-muck like him.
SRG: Can we get back to the medical report?
HOO: Sure, but make it snappy. I got patients waiting.
SRG: The bottom line is, do you think he’s physically fit to be President?
HOO: No. I predict he’ll have a coronary event in the first 90 days.
SRG: What about the other report that was filed?
HOO: Bullshit. The whole thing was made up. He took one look at MY report and shit-canned it. I watched him throw it right into the can by his desk. Wrote his own.
SRG: What about his mental condition?
HOO: Well, that’s not my wheelhouse, but its pretty obvious isn’t it? The guy’s batshit crazy.
SRG: Thank you DR.HOO